Late to the game on this one but let’s be real no one gives a shit about any of the bowl games that have occurred. Hell there we more people in the Starbucks drive through than at most of these games. Without further ado here all all my picks. All research, and writing done from my office, aka the first stall in my offices bathroom.
I will be ranking each bowl based on a few criteria that I believe will give teams a strategic advantage.
Mascot – which mascot is the rowdiest
Head coach – experience, balls, overall demeanor
Offense– who can fucking score, running backs that can hurdle defenders, one handed catches etc.
Defense-bat shit crazy linebackers with tats, poundage of defensive line, corners who wear long sleeve shirts etc.
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The Wet Your Beak, Ponzi Scheme Awareness Bowl Presented by Pardon My Take Presented by Barstool Sports Bowl (formerly known as the Boca Raton Bowl)
Western Kentucky vs. Memphis
Mascot: this is a tough one as normally I tend to favor the obscure. But I have literally no fucking clue what western Kentucky’s mascot even is. After some googling it appears to be a big red blob. Memphis has a live fucking tiger. Edge to Memphis.
Offense: WKU has a QB who has thrown over 4K yards and two 1000+ yard receivers. Memphis can also score but when looking up rush stats on ESPN for Memphis I got an invalid URL error so fuck em. Edge to WKU
Defense: Both of these defenses are about as easy to run through as the Tri-Delta sorority at Arizona State. WKU holds a slight edge in amount of quarter pounders that the line could consume with 1130 total pounds on the line to 1050 for Memphis. Memphis does have a solid neck tat game in their line-backing core but WKU combats that with flat tops and dreads in theirs. No edge to either team here, expecting this to be a shootout.
QB’s GF: This is a tough one but giving the edge to WKU. QB Mike White’s gf is not only a smokeshow but also a teacher to kids who have autism. I’m a sucker for teachers so gotta go with WKU here, but you be the judge.
Head coach: This may be the most lopsided category in this match-up of perennial mediocrities. Mike Norvell of Memphis played some college ball and has worked his way up through the system as assistant and coordinator and now head coach for one season at Memphis. Jeff Brohm of WKU however has a resume for the ages, he has coached arena football, college football, and my personal favorite, played in the XFL (Link to an amazing video here). Actually I don’t care if Memphis had Belichick coaching, you play in the XFL you got my respect. Hard advantage to WKU here
Final verdict: Based on the above, and my patented 5 category system. The edge will go to the Hilltoppers of WKU. The big red blob swallows the tigers here in a shootout, 52-45
Attendance prediction: Kentucky and Memphis are not exceedingly far from Boca Raton and provides for a dual purpose vacation. Capacity of the stadium is just shy of 30,000 but it will be a miracle to fill even half. Of course the official count will be much higher than appears so I’ll say 6,950, book it.
Check back in daily for the next update, I’ll be right back.
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